Vegan Vampire

by Benjamin Niespodziany


Dear Diane,

I caught your vampire in my bear trap again. I thought you said it could fly? I thought you said it only eats quinoa now? “He’s reformed,” you told me back then, the three of us eating just bread. You said you plucked his fangs. Well, I found him screaming for rain as the sun started to come up with zebra guts hanging out half of his mouth. He pleaded for me to let him loose, that the sun would be up soon. “You and the sun,” I said, “is it like a heat rash? Or is it like the movies? A whoosh or a kaboom?” I let him go. He’s fine, but I figured I’d mail you this package, speak my mind, instead of raise my voice. The box includes the empty bear trap with pieces of your vampire’s leg. I bought a better one, so you don’t need to send it back. And also here’s a handful of animal skulls he ate on my property. Consider this a reminder that your immortal pet is eating more than kale salads these days.



Benjamin Niespodziany is a night librarian at the University of Chicago. He runs the multimedia art blog [neonpajamas] and has had work published in Ghost City PressHOOT Review (forthcoming), Occulum, and formercactus.